Two Country Fools



Posted March 10 2020 - 21:43
A Bridge to Cross

The small town of Smeltersville is a peaceful and calm community in rural Kansas. It is a farming town of little more than 2000. This town is not where we set our scene. It would have been if Dr. Konstantine and Loath had successfully concluded their business agreement. Since they did not they were ran out of town and are currently seeking refuge under a bridge.

“Doc, what the hell was that?”

“Well Loath that is what we professionals call a deal going south.”

“I’m not talking about that, we have seen plenty of those. I’m talking about that stupid idea, winter inssurence. That is like asking someone to pay to insure the sun rises in the morning.”

“Hey! How did you figure out my next business idea?”

“Why are you the one who talks during our business proceedings?”

“That is because I’m the one who can fit into the suit.”

Loath slumps his face into his hands and curses under his breath. He presses his back against the concrete pillars as he slides down to sit on the ground. Clouds roll in and thunder is heard in the distance.

“Loath, I’m hungry.”

“No shit, we haven’t eaten for three days.”

“So what is for dinner?”

“My ass Konstantine.”

“Nah, it’s too fatty for my liking. Besides, cannibalism is a K3 thing.”

“What the hell you talking about doc?”

“Nothing. Well look at the bright side, it could be worse. It could always be raining today.”

“Konstantine, it is going to rain. You can hear the storm coming closer. This dry creek bed isn’t going to stay dry for too long. So got any ideas smart guy?"

Dr. Konstantine paces around the gravel a few times. Both Loath’s stomach and his own begins to growl as they wait for an idea to come to them. The doctor squats down and digs in the gravel for a bit with a stick. He stays like that for several minutes before quickly standing up and turning to his companion.

“Did you know spruce trees are edible?”

“Technically yes, but I’m more worried about staying dry and warm.”

“Did you know spruce trees are bushy?”

“Konstantine, if you don’t start speaking clearly I’ll start ripping teeth until you start speaking english or can’t speak at all.”

“Loath, if we find a big forest of spruce trees we can seek refuge from the rain and ward away hunger. So where's the nearest forest?”

“Nowhere near.”

“Perhaps we can go atop a hill for a better vantage point.”

“Doc, this is Kansas, central Kansas. There are no hills. The tallest point is at the height of your fucking ego.”

“Point taken. Perhaps we can find a tree to climb.”

“There are no fucking trees! There are no fucking hills! The closest thing we have to a forest around us is a nettle grove, and please jump in it if you want.”

“Loath, to think that I am the smart one. You are a guinness, but for this one brief moment.”

“Again, I’ll rip teeth.”

“Loath, the answer is simple. Nettle soup.”

“Umm, doesn’t that sting.”

“Yes, it hurts like hell. A sandpaper enema is more pleasurable than nettle soup and it makes your feces green.”

“You are lucky that we are too hungry to complain. What about shelter?”

“Well, where one man sees trash we see an opportunity. You collect together all the bits of scrap wood and cloth you can find to construct something to shed water uptop this bridge. While you are busy with that task I’ll be busy with collecting nettle.”

“Doc, why do you think of this just now?”

“Well what is a good story without a good narrative?”

And this is where we end our scene. On top of a crumbling bridge at night during a rain storm. Our two adventurers getting soaking wet in the storm that had blown away what little shelter there was and in severe pain since someone mistaken poison ivy for nettle. Well at least look at the bright side, it isn’t sleeting tonight.
Posted March 11 2020 - 10:44
Great start of the story, keep them coming :D
Posted March 12 2020 - 10:59
Your really good!!!
Posted March 13 2020 - 06:49
Farm To Table Sand For Sale


The town of Bakersfield is a prosperous mining town in western Kansas. The recent demand for stone and gravel has made the town affluent and in this affluent town of ten thousand the people are hard working and friendly to most. The outbreak had not hit the town hard and most people are making due with the harsh state of the current country. It is in this town we see our two… ‘heroes’ busy conducting business. Dr. Konstantine stands in front of crates, wearing his welcoming and charming smile as Loath walks his way to his business partner.


“Spoke with the mayor and got a street vending permit. So we can start selling our product. By the way, what is it that we are selling now?”

“Why Loath we are selling sand.”

“Sand? We selling sand? Why?”

“Well my friend this isn’t just any ordinary sand. This ultra fine grain white sand. Just feel it Loath, don’t it just feel like flour?


Loath stands there looking at Dr. Konstantine with an extremely unamused expression on his face as the Doctor holds out a fist full of sand. Loath has to fight back the urge to grab the closest blunt object and hit his friend upside the head until some sense is knocked into him.


“Konstantine? Why are we selling sand here. We are only a stones throw away from actually fucking quarry.”

“But do they make sand this fine of a quality?”

“Probably. It’s most likely a limestone quarry. So where did you get this sand?”

“That is simple. Remember when we came into town and you gave me all the money for safekeeping?”

“No I didn’t’”

“Remember when I took all our money for safekeeping?”

“What the fuck?”


Loath reaches in his pocket to find only lent in it. He quickly confronts Konstantine.


“What that fuck did you do with the money?”

“Well I had to get this awesome sand somehow.”


Loath’s face is blank except for a twitch in his eye. Lucky for Konstantine there is not a blunt object in the immediate vicinity.


“Anyway. Time to sell our sand.”

“Konsantine, are you trying to sell sand in a mining town where you purchased said sand?“

“That would be mostly correct, yes.”

“You rode the short bus when you were in school didn’t you?”

“Nah, the Short Bus Crew is a K2 thing.”

“It’s official. Nothing can transport a fruit cake as big as you.”

“Fruit cake? Is that what is for lunch? I’m hungry.”

“All you got to eat is hunger pains. We don’t got money for food now.”

“Well that sucks, it's not that filling. So we need money and you don’t think we can sell our sand here.”

“Thank the lord! Oh sweet baby Jesus. You actually understand for once. No we can’t sell sand in this fucking mining town.”

“Oh I understand and I got a new plan. Don’t you worry about a thing. Meth for sale! Get your farm to table fresh meth here!”


Loath is quick to cover his friends mouth.


“Shut the fuck up! Shut your gawd damned greasy pie hole. You said not to worry but I am. I am a whole lot.”


Loath removes his hands from Konstantine’s gawd dammed greasy pie hole.


“What’s the matter Loath? I thought you wanted me to sell this stuff? We can’t sell sand so I figured to stretch the truth a little.”

“Stretch the truth? First of all, you are a dumb shit. Second of all this isn’t meth, it’s sand. Trust me they are nothing alike. If we did sell some of this shit as meth we will have a whole horde of tweakers after us. Lastly, this is Kansas. If you want to sell meth you go to Missouri for that shit?”

“How do you know so much about crystal meth?”


Just then a man in a dark jumpsuit and hard hat walks up to them.


“What is going on here? This shipment isn’t going to move itself.”

“Woah there, I’m Loath. This here is doctor Konstantine. What can we do you for?”

“What do you mean. I hired dapper boy here to move this cargo to Reeds Spring. Half payment upfront and half on delivery. So get with it.”

The man leaves the two friends alone. Loath turns to Konstantine once more.

“You better start explaining.”

“Well I tried to but you never let me.”

“Yes I did, I asked you how you got the sand and if you were going to sell it here.”

“Guess you did, my bad for just this once. Strange, it's usually you making the mistakes. But I was looking around for items to try and peddle. Well I found myself talking with the manager of the quarry.”

“How?”

“I walked into the quarry and talked with him.”

“You walked into an active quarry with heavy machinery all about, just to talk to someone? Are you that stupid?”

“You know what Loath? That is exactly what the manager said. But that is beside the point. So I started talking with him and one thing led to another and we are taking this shipment of sand to Reeds Spring.”

“Why where you trying to sell it on the streets?”

“To turn a maximum profit. We already got half the payment. If we sold the sand we would be walking away with a pretty penny.”

“Speaking of which. What about the money?”

“Well we need a way to move all these crates.”

“So you got a truck or something knowing you were just going to sell the sand in town?”

“No, of course not. I got a mule cart.”

“That is fine, I guess.”

“Just without the mules.”

“Come on! What the hell Konstantine? How did you blow all our money on a cart without a way to pull it.”

“I had to get a big enough cart. Besides we got something to pull it.”

“Really what?”

“Well I made the deal, I got the cart, that means I got something to pull it. You.”

“You know what Konstantine? I really hate you at times.”

“What else are friends for?”


This is where we end our scene. The two departing to make the delivery. Loath pulling the cart of sand while swearing and complaining every step of the way. While Konsantine rambles on about whatever subject is in his mind. I do ever wonder, how could someone not find a blunt object laying around?
Posted March 13 2020 - 17:42
I can appreciate the subtle references.
Thanks for taking the time to write these and welcome back.
Posted March 14 2020 - 22:53
Lol
Posted March 19 2020 - 21:19
Ammunition, What's That?


Fort Eustis has become ever more prevalent in this time of uncertainty. As the long arm of the law loses its grip in Kansas more and more refugees flock to the military town for safety. Fort Eustis provides protection to its citizens and gives the means for its citizens to protect themselves. It is here where we find our two undergoing their most recent business adventure.

“Okay Konstantine. We need a win. So I am taking the reins this time.”

“Sure thing Loath. It is nice to step back and just supervise.”

“I’m serious. We spent our last bit of savings getting our product. We need to do this right.”

“Fine, fine. What is your grand plan anyway?”

“Well, you see, I got loads of ammo for cheap. Figure we could turn a good profit.”

“Oh Loath, poor poor Loath. You are a bigger imbecile than I thought.”

“What is the matter now? This is a perfect place to sell munitions.”

“Exactly, this is one of the best places a law abiding citizen can go to get missiles and other sort of such items since the government took the fairground from those nerdowells.”

“Why do you think I can’t sell ammo here?”

“This is Kansas, who uses ammo?”

“Anyone who uses a weapon Konstantine. No weapon is good if it can’t shoot.”

“Wrong again Loath. Just give a man some cash and a bit of food and they will fight forever.”

“That is bull shit. An army has to be supplied.”

“I don’t write the rules, I just follow them. Besides it does take a bit of cash each week to keep the army going, they call it army supplies.”

“So you don’t think no one here is needing bullets.”

“I know they don’t.”

“Konstantine, you might have some edicate in your head. But the rest of you is full of shit.”

“Loath, I feel bad for you. You don’t have enough brains to see how wrong you are. Neither one of us has eaten for a while, how could I be full of shit?”

“You know, with the way you talk I wonder that myself.”

“Whatever you say Loath. You can spend all day here, pedaling your nothing of a product onto people who won’t care. I am going to be productive with my day.”

“I wish you would just go and get kidnapped. Then I could charge them to take you back.”

“See Loath, now you are thinking efficiently. Too bad you blew all our money.”

With that the two go their separate ways. Doctor Konstantine goes into town while Loath sets up his booth and gets ready to greet customers, but nobody came. Loath waited and waited. The minutes ticked by and Loath was standing by himself. People walked on by and did not even stop to hear Loath’s offer. The ticking minutes turned to hours and Loath had yet to make a single sale. The sun falls low in the sky when Dr. Konstantine returns to Loath’s stand.

“So. Did you sell any ammo?”

“No I did not. Not a single bullet left this stand. Someone threw some apple cores at me, so I guess that is something to eat.”

“Did you know that apple seeds contain cyanide which is deadly to humans.”

“Fine, ruin all my hope will ya. Then tell me what you did all day will ya?”

“Well my simple minded compatriot. I went into town in search of fortune. I figured a man of medicine will be in demand in times like this.”

“Did the good doctor find work?”

“No I did not. But I did find an abandoned house inhabited by pill addicts. More importantly, pill addicts that payed for some of the good doctors drugs.”

“Doc, the fact that you made money is the only reason why I am not mad that you sold our medical supplies. So how much did we make?”

“You mean how much I made?”

“Sure. How much did you make ya dapper dressed prick?”

“Enough to get a hot meal, a warm place to sleep, and enough to travel to the next town.”

“Good job Konstantine. So were we eating?”

“We? There is no we. You wasted all we saved on your stupid idea. So I made some money, so I will eat.”

“You going to let me starve in the streets?”

“Of course not. You got apple cores don’t you. Face hunger pains or face the pains of toxins. Either way I don’t care.”

“Doctor, one of the days I am going to clobber you real good.”

That is where we end our scene. Doctor Konstantine snuggled in a warm bed with a stomach full of food while Loath is curled up in an alley, cramps in his stomach because of mild cyanide poisoning. The question is still left unanswered, why do armies in Kansas not require ammunition?
Posted April 02 2020 - 22:48
Do you have any more?
Posted April 02 2020 - 22:52
I got more in the works, just stay tuned. April 6th should be a date to keep in mind for fans who wants to read more exploits of Dr. Konsatntine and Loath.
Posted April 03 2020 - 05:02
Take you time!!
Your doing great!!
Posted April 06 2020 - 21:12
Above All Else, Always Charge


The town of Hopedale has fallen on hard times. The pandemic struck the town hard and many lives were lost. The town is full of abandoned buildings and businesses. The situation grew more dire when a band of raiders ransacked the town. This is were we set our scene, our two friends trying to profit off the misery of others.

"Beautiful sight! Isn't it Loath?"

"The fuck you looking at? This town is all but destroyed and the dead and dying flood the streets."

"Exactly Loath, people are in need of medical help."

"Huh, that ain't like you offering your help for nothing."

"Loath you misunderstand, I will only help those who can pay for my services."

"So you telling me your are trying to make a profit of a town which has faced non stop horrors, constant misery, and barley have enough to survive? This town has almost been bled dry and you, like the parasite you are, are trying to suck these poor people for what little they have left?"

"Correct Loath."

"That sound like something you would do ya pompous prick."

"Now Loath don't be so hostile. I know you would do the same. Always trying to turn a profit."

"Sure, but I would offer to help those in need and the town would be in my dept. It is only after then I will request payment, when they have more to fork over. It is simple really, invest now and it will payback later."

"Loath, I don't want to be stationary in one spot for to long. We are entrepreneurs, drifters with a cause. There are a lot of people out there in need, and some of those people have the money to afford our help. We need the money anyway."

"I see your point doc but aren't you supposed to be helping people no matter the cause? Ain't it called the hypocritic oath or something?"

"Never heard of it Loath. Why would that be important to me?"

"You are suppose to recite that oath before you get your medical degree, aren't you?"

"Well Loath you are deranged. I never had to recite anything."

"Are you even a real doctor?"

"Loath! I am insulted. Of course I am. I got my degree at the prestigious Bull S. Hite university."

"That's bull shit."

"Loath, how did you know my class motto?"

"Lucky guess. Have you ever done any doctoring? I mean have you done anything major besides treating a cold, like a surgery or something?"

"Of course, I have done over thirty successful procedures."

"Out of how many Konstantine?"

"Out of one hundred procedures in total, I think."

"Konsantine, why don't you just not try and help these people out. I think it would be for the best"

"Why? Don't you believe in my abilities Loath?"

"Ugh...course I do doc. Just, ugh, these people ain't got much money. Besides I think this town has got a veterinarian clinic."

"Are you saying that the skills and expertise of some pitiful small town horse doctor is better than my own?"

"Your words not mine. But I recon the vet isn't charging for his services so people would go over to them instead of you."

"Who on earth would not charge for medical work? That against almost all morals of a surgeon. Besides he shouldn't work on the flesh of man and stick with his filthy animals. I must have a word with this man!"

"Please don't Konsantine."

"Too late Loath! It is already the end of this narrative."

"The hell you talking about? Doc wait up! Don't go in!"

That is wear we end our scene. In the crowded veterinary clinic with our two friends being escorted out by police. Dr. Konstantine and Loath are placed in jail over night for public disturbance. But look at the bright side, Dr. Konstantine know his Maranda rights now.